My dad is sleeping on the couch as a creep out the front door. It's a cold night, for once. I head over to the front on my car and sit on the hood. I involuntarily shiver from the cold metal as I sit. It's even colder than the air and wet from the rain storm that just passed. I hold the cigarette I have in my hand to my mouth while simultaneously pulling my lighter out of my pocket. I light up my cigarette and draw in a deep breath. I lift my head to the sky and breathe out the smoke. I gaze at the moon and the stars for several moments. I think of how great things are in my life. Despite all of the stress with my divorce and the pressure of getting back into school and doing the right thing for me family, there are good things I do my best to focus on. My kids are beautiful and healthy, I have my friend and he treats my kids as if they were his own flesh and blood. The little ones have really taken a liking to him and I love watching them play pirates or karate. However, my mother has turned her mind games up a few notches and planted little bombs in my mind.

Nothing she's said has really bothered me until yesterday. Those little bombs in my head have exploded, sending an unsettling feeling seeping through my veins. Toxic thoughts are overflowing my mind causing me to fill with doubt. The worst part about this stupid depression spell is I have been allowing myself to spiral down. I know a lot of these spells are all in my head and I can usually catch myself and snap out of it. But, with this one, I let myself fall for a while. I've been able to ease myself of most of these negative thoughts with the reality of this particular situation. I don't understand my Mother... It's almost like she doesn't want to see me happy. I wish she was the fun spirited, happy-go-lucky person she turns into around friends and family all the time. I wish she understood that I pick up on how she's feeling when she says things. That I know the motive behind her words. She always brags that she is so hard to read because of her shields and her ability to cause a whirlwind effect of emotion the makes it hard to figure her out. With me, that's not the case. I can see right through her. I'm working on trying to shield myself. The one person I've met that has similar abilities to mine told me I would learn on my own to shield myself. Another person, whose abilities outshine mine by a long shot, told me to build walls. This process requires a lot of energy and is exhausting. I wish I could just put myself in a bubble of protection from my mother.

My friend is hard to read. The connection I feel is mandatory. I know he is going to have some significant importance in my life but, I don't know what it is. The feelings I have for him also feel one sided. I don't feel anything from him at all. He has been through a lot in his young life. I wonder if he chooses not to feel emotion, like my father. Everything is black and white, logical, emotion is not an option. Although, I do feel the occasional sparks of love and happiness when he is with my kids. He adores them so much. It makes me happy to see a stable male figure come into their lives and they accept him. So, why the doubt in my head. I feel like something is missing. Is it the lack of emotion I feel from him? What if it's my fault? I felt myself open up completely to him and take it all in. The worry free happiness of a relationship that I've never experienced with anyone. As my mind wonders and I begin to fill with doubt I can feel my heart hardening. Cutting off anything that could potentially hurt me. But, Things are great! What am I doing?? Why am I letting myself do this? Why am I so fucking complicated?? With everything lined up for him and how he has put my kids and I into his future plans should be enough to know he is happy with us and wants us in his life. I've never wanted to run from a connection like I do right now... Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

sometimes it is best to learn how to let things go... once u have decided to let it go... u will be able to do so eventually. but first of all u need to tell urself again and again not to be rigid.

i also have issues with my mother. i didn't realise that i was trying to live the life my mother wanted... by making her beliefs mine... and sometimes my friends will ask 'why'? i will reply 'coz my mother said so.'

why did i do that? i didn't realise i was trying so hard to be accepted by her when knowing she only has eyes for my sis. it took me years to let this go... prior to that i was in depression and my mum seems to be happy to put me in that state unknowingly...

my depression was so severe that i have contemplated of committing suicide and yet my mum is happy to play the torturer role unconsciously.

until one day... she said something so hurtful that it woke me up that why was i doing all this when she is not going to appreciate me.

from then on... i start to tell myself to let things go that don't benefit me at all.

my mother still says harsh things to me and worse she loves to humiliate people like me in public and telling the world the world owes her... my life can be dramatic at times... and yet amazingly she doesn't realise what she is doing...
» renaye on 2014-01-26 07:49:40

i think my message was truncated.... here's the balance.

don't let people's words get to u. u have to trust ur own heart for it only wants happiness.


» renaye on 2014-01-26 07:51:19

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