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If only I had wings . . . by invisible @ NuTang.com
Back to school
Wednesday. 8.3.16 8:01 pm
So.. if you saw that last entry I apologize. I was really drunk. I forgot I even wrote it. It has been deleted. Good times brought to you by drunk and dramatic me.

KB starts first grade :D She is in the advanced class in her school and is points away from being gifted. I'm so proud of her. She loves school and can't wait to go back next Wednesday.

Kaden starts Kindergarten. It will be interesting. I am registering him in regular classes to see how he does. He has high spectrum autism. He is verbal and can focus on work when he wants to. I'm worried he wont handle it well but, I'm going to give it a chance. He has improved so much throughout the year in the pre-k program at his daycare. I'm hoping he will continue to grow in his new school and make new friends.

That one guy from the previous entry kinda freaked out and dropped me. He was so assuring that we were going to take baby steps and be together in a committed relationship. Then, suddenly one day just went NOPE. and shut me out. Ignored my texts and calls and I guess just forgot about me. I was torn up for a few days about it but, fuck it. 8 months wasted on someone that I shouldn't have given my time and effort to. I knew I was going to hit the ground face first. I called it from the start.

I've gone on several dates with another guy since then. However, he is furthering his career in the medical field and I fully support him. We both want to spend time together and get to know each other more but, the reality of the situation is he is going to be drowning in work and school. After he graduates he could find a great job somewhere far away and leave. This is something we both realize. He's following his dream and I don't want to compromise everything hes worked for because of emotions. Besides, I'm just some girl he met a month ago... We still text everyday in a more friendly manner. He doesn't know what the future has in store for him. I can take a really good guess I won't have any part in it but, I'm glad I met him. He has shown me that there are still good guys in this world.

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Eight Years
Wednesday. 11.4.15 10:19 pm
This is going to sound really pathetic but, it's been over 6 months. I haven't been single for this long in 8 years. It's an odd feeling. I miss cooking dinner almost every evening for my family. I miss sleeping next to someone at night. I miss the delusion of thinking someone really cared about me and loved me. Although these relationships were dysfunctional, there are aspects from each one that I miss.

However, living the single life isn't so bad. I don't have to take care of anyone but my babies. I'm not walking on eggshells and trying to make someone happy.

In the beginning of summer I gave online dating a try. The first date I went on was awful and very akaward. The guy obviously had anger issues and was very distant with his family. NO thank you! There were a couple of guys I met that a liked but, in the end it never went well. One I spoke to for a while and I thought we hit it off. We hung out a few times and I everything was going well. But, he started bailing every time we'd make plans to hang out. He had a "roommate", who I was starting to get suspicious was more that and then he just dropped off the face of the earth. The other... he turned out to be quite an ass. He told me he really like me and blah blah.. That turned into he just wanted a fuck buddy and apparently I was the perfect candidate! Lucky me.... I told him I wasn't his girl and walked away. He wasn't happy with my response and apologized and still wanted to be friends. Yeah.. No.. I've also met some guys that are pretty cool and we currently remain in contact as friends. I continued talking to people online for friendly conversation and met a few over time simply wanting friendship.

Then, I met this one guy... I had no intention of anything more than friends. We had been talking for a while and decided to meet in person. I had absolutely no expectations from this guy what so ever. When we met I felt a connection with him. One that still freaks me out a bit. We've been talking/getting to know each other/dating/whatever for a few weeks now and I've come to the realization that I really like him... I'm torn between bailing and saving myself or saying fuck it and walking right into what is probably another trail of tears. My past experiences are telling me to run and get out now. I almost always get hurt. End of story. On the flip side, a part of me wants to hold on. The biggest reason I'm still standing in the middle of all this and not running is because I want this connection to be something more. When we're together it feels natural. I've never once felt akaward or out of place when I'm with him. I know I am more than likely going to happily skip right into this situation only to be tripped and fall face first into the ground... I don't know which way to go with this. I connected and then allowed myself to get romantically involved at a rapid pace. I wasn't thinking clearly. So, now what? Only time will tell...

Here I come ground
Face first

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Screw it.. YOLO!!!
Saturday. 4.25.15 7:06 pm
So... One of the things on my bucket list was to get my hair trimmed and styled. I have accomplished that and like it a lot. However, I noticed when I pull all of my hair back into a bun (Which is still long) and leave only my bangs that frame my face it's not a bad look. In fact, I love it! I have never had my hair cut shorter than shoulder length. I've always kept my hair at medium length or long. Now, I'm going for something I've never done before.

I'm going to get a bob style haircut....

It will be too short to pull back into a ponytail.. So there's no hiding it or turning back. Here's to doing something that's either going to be amazing or a complete fail!

Screw it... YOLO!!!!!!!!!

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Long time no see
Wednesday. 4.8.15 8:20 pm
Changes.

A lot of changes have recently happened and will continue to happen in my life. For one, I went through another tragic heartbreak. In these past two years my heart has been ripped apart into so many pieces it may never be fully complete again. But, that's alright.

Heartbreak #1 should have been a wake up call for me. I didn't see it at first. I was too blinded by emotions to fully comprehend what God was trying to tell me. I know that situation was not meant to be. Our paths In life were going in opposite directions. However, the unconditional love will always be there. He will always have a piece of my heart.

Heartbreak #2, and the most recent one, destroyed me... at first. My world came crashing down within moments and at one point I felt like I wasn't going to survive. Now, I look at this situation and chuckle. I'm thankful this happened to me. If I ever see him again I hope I remember to thank him for being such an asshole. He has shown me I am worth more and capable of more than a realized. I am so much stronger than I've given myself credit for. I see myself now in a way I never have before. I am confident, smart, and ready to take on the world. He thinks this is just an rush and an attempt to win him back. He thinks I'm doing it for him. For "us". He's wrong. He thinks I'm going to come crawling back, begging for another chance. He couldn't be more wrong. I've realized this world is full of assholes in disguise and, he is just another asshole. Me? He'll never find another girl like me. I deserve better than him. Now that I have realized what I can do along with the person I already am, I'm unstoppable. I'm heartbroken for what we had in the beginning. When things were fairytale happy. But, that's gone. I'm over it. It's time to focus on me and my family. I'm ready to be successful and move forward in my life. Nothing is going to stand in my way :)

Look out, world. Here I come.

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Death by Spider
Wednesday. 9.17.14 10:13 am
I had written an entry within the past 6 months labeled "Death by Wasp". Now, the series continues with my horrifying adventure with a spider.


My little man and I went shopping yesterday. When the clock struck 12 Kaden was ready for his nap. I felt bad for him since we had started shopping late in the morning. I knew he was going to be tired but, a momma has to get everything done. I asked him if he was hungry. His response was yes, and "I WANT MC DONALDS!! YAY MC DONALDS!!!" Now, I am one of those annoying parents that resents fast food. I'm not a Nazi about it. We will get Wendy's kids meals here and there BUT, I despise Mc Donalds. I never eat there... ever. In this case, Mc Donalds was convenient. So, I swallowed my pride and we set off for the fast-food chain. Upon reaching the drive through, I placed our order and drove around the corner to the first window to pay. I noticed the woman at the second window ahead was looking out towards my car. I didn't recognize her as someone I might know. I was a little confused. When the first window I was parked next to opened, the older woman stuck her head out hesitantly and looked straight above her, then quickly ducked back in. I chill ran down my spine. Should I be worried about something? She looked at me and said one word. "Spider" "What? A spider? She must mean cob webs or something. They are all over the place." She reached out to grab the money from my hands cautiously. This womans reaction to whatever was above perked my curiosity. So, I stuck my own head out of my car and looked up and there it was... Under the overhang of the roof was a giant (The size of my hand... literally) Wolf spider. I am TERRIFED of spiders. As in, I will have a panic attack if there is one on me. It didn't move, so I talked myself into remaining calm. "It's all the way up there. Nothing to fear. Everything is going to be fine. When the woman shut her window to make change the spider did what everyone feared most. At Lightning speed, it crawled toward the window. The woman opened the window to hand me my changed and I shouted like a sissy "THE SPIDER IS COMING DOWN! SHUT YOUR WINDOW!! I was simultaneously rolling my window up incase it was a hitch hiking spider. It sat at the corner of the window for a few moments staring at me menacingly. All of those beety little eyes looking at me, wanting the taste of human flesh. The woman began slowly opening the window and I was shaking my head vigorously and motioning for her to keep it shut. She slammed the window against the frame and it frightened the gigantic spider. it fled around the corner of the wall, never to be seen again.

Moral of the story? Do not eat at Mc Donalds or else a giant spider will descend upon you.

And so I live another day...

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I was Terrified
Monday. 9.8.14 1:06 pm
I had a dream last night that was just plain scary... Also, it was the kind of dream where things randomly and rapidly change (what I was doing, settings)

I was hanging out with random people. Some were friends I've made at work. Others were people I knew in grade school. It was late at night. We were driving through the streets of a city I'd never been in. I was watching the city lights pass by through my window. Suddenly, I'm eating a bowl of chicken flavored Ramen soup. I'm still in the car with friends. It seemed like we had been driving down the same stretch of road for hours. The view outside had not changed. Anyway, I was chowing down on the ramen like I hadn't eaten all day. My friends in the front seat are carrying on a conversation and laughing about who knows what. That's when it happened.. I shoved a for full of noodles into my mouth and I crunched on something hard. I froze for a moment and pondered what it could be. A rock?? That's what it felt like. I reached into my mouth to pull this foreign object out and didn't know what it was at first. Through the dim light I could see it was smooth, off-white, pebble like rock. Suddenly, the fear of what it could be washed over me. I ran my tongue along my teeth and felt that one had somehow broken apart. I grew terrified from the recognition of what I was holding my hand. How did ramen break my tooth? It's noodles.. seriously? As if matters couldn't get any worse, all of my molars came loose and detached from my gums. I spit them all out of my mouth into my hands to join the piece I pulled from my mouth moments ago. My front teeth remained but, the rest of them were in my hands. I stared down into them, full of terror, wondering how this could happen. The car slows down and we are pulling up to some ones house. I have no idea where we are but, everyone seems comfortable as if it's a common hang out spot. I still had my teeth in my hands... terrified... How could something so soft, destroy something solid like a rock?

The rest of the dream is me trying to hide the fact that most of my teeth had fallen out and what the hell I was going to do. I remember feeling terrified. I was specifically terrified that everyone would know. I had to hide it. I remember looking into a mirror at examining the damage. I could still talk with my front teeth. I could make a small smile without exposing the fact I had missing teeth. I could pull off that nothing was wrong and I could hide my secret. I knew I couldn't hide it forever but, I was going to try my hardest to let no one know for as long as possible.

I understand the symbolism behind my dreams and what problem this is reflecting in my life. However, all my teeth falling out? Come on.

My subconscious mind is so cruel..

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Updates of different sorts
Monday. 8.18.14 9:49 am
Random updates..... Yeah...

Today is my daughters first day of school. I dropped her off this morning. It took everything in me not to cry my eyes out. She was so excited however, upon reaching the classroom her nerves kicked in. She asked me if I could wait outside in the car until it was time for her too leave. Her little face stared up at me with the saddest blue eyes. I thought for a moment she was going to cry. She stayed strong and accepted that I could not stay with her. I encouraged her to make new friends and she gained back her excitement as more children entered the classroom. My little girl isn't so little anymore. She's starting to grow up.

--------

I hate that you are in all of my favorite memories. I hate that I can rarely think of a story of passed times that you aren't in. That I simply cannot share old stories with friends without seeing your face. It seems like all of those fond memories are in vain. I hate that you were my best friend. I hate that we did everything together. My mind is poisoned with you. I the worst part is if you knew this, you would smile. You would be happy that you have destroyed me. You would LOVE the fact that no matter how much I try to forget, you still pop up into my mind. I can't escape the memories. Someone will say something or I will see something that reminds me of you. You were everything to me...

With every fiber of my being I wish you were never my best friend.


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Conversations with a 4 year old
Friday. 7.25.14 5:40 pm
Me: Ok guys we are going over to friends house.
Kids: YAY FRIENDS HOUSE!!!!!!!!
Me. Don't get too excited, Friend isn't there right now.
KB: Well, then where is he Mom?
Me: He had to go to Jupiter this weekend for work.
KB:......
KB: No Mom, he didn't go to space. That's just silly. Where did he really go?
Me: [Insert laughter] Yes, Khloe, you are right. Friend did not go to space.
KB: THEN WHERE IS HE?!?!?!?
Me: You see sweetie. There is a city in Florida that is named Jupiter, just like the planet. So yes, You are correct that Jupiter is a planet in space however, it is also a place in Florida. Friend went to the city Jupiter, not the planet. Do you understand what Mommy is saying?

I then look over to my beautiful little girl and notice she is struggling with a straw and juice pouch. Her attempt to puncture the pouch seemed impossible for her yet, she would not give up. After watching her a few moments, she looked up at me in defeat and asked...

KB: Mom, can you get the straw in my juice for me?
Me: Did you hear anything I just said?!
KB Yes. (She reaches her arms out toward me with straw and juice pouch in hand for me to retrieve)
Me: Well, then what did I tell you?
KB: Stuff about Jupiter. Can I have my juice now?
Me: Not until you explain what I told you about Jupiter.
KB: ( She lets out a long, dramatic sigh) UUUGGHHH!!! OK FINE! Jupiter is not only a planet, but a city too. Friend is in the CITY Jupiter. NOW, can I have my juice?
Me.... Say please
KB: UUUGGGHHH MOM!!!! ok Please?


My daughter cracks me up.

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