So... We're all moving again. Still in South Carolina and in the same area.. but we're moving.

Why. Why? I've gone from Florida, to the house that burned, to a condo, to the house I'm in now in less that 3 months. So why are we moving again? The landlord to this very house is a... AHHHH!! Sorry the baby just moved and it felt so weird... Anyway.. Oh, he's a crazy alcoholic douchebag. He has been calling Mom and Steve leaving drunk messages throughout the day and ALL NIGHT harrassing them and telling the to get the F*** out of his house. The rent was going to be two days late, which Mom did specify to the Landlords wife prior to the rent being late. Now, he is evicting us and has given us ten days to move out. I think using the word illegal is just an understatement at this point.

Not only has he been harrassing and threatening Mom, Steve, and the family, he has gone as far as contacting Mom and Steves work place to tell thier bosses about how they are pieces of S*** and we all need to go F*** ourselves and we're horrible people and blah blah blah. The "Legal Document" that is suppose to be an eviction notice is 1. Obviously scanned, emailed, and printed out. and 2. Isn't even filled out right .

Steve has contacted the police and will be taking them to court for harrassment and they are going down. Ha ha ha! Even worse for them, they live in California!! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Todays lesson kids... Don't be a crazy drunk! You'll get sued for harrassment.

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After saying our last good-byes, I head over to my car. I sit in my car and turn it on and suddenly time itself stopped. I look up at the van where my Mother and friends are getting situated to start off on their trip again. My eyes began to fill with tears.. I cried the entire drive back to the house. Joking around with my best friend and being stupid and silly with my mom again was awsome. I had a great time. But, they had to leave.. Reality hit me the hardest it ever has in my life.

Moving away from home never really set in untill about 20 minutes ago. The written images I created for myself to help me cope with these changes and keep reality at bay can no longer keep me safe. After my family and friends came to visit and left it hit me hard. They're not going to the store and coming back, they're going home. Going back to the place that I called home all of my life.

This is going to be much harder than I ever thought it would be.

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For the past week something strange to me has occured almost everyday. A new sensation has come into play. What can explain this strange movement? The Baby
It's the weirdest thing I've ever felt, but the greatest at the same time. Every once in a while when I feel that little flutter or jolt it's a reminder that I'm going to be a parent. It makes this so real. I have life inside me! This truely is the greatest miracle God has given me besides my own life.

I can't friggen wait to find out the gender!!! If it's a boy, we've decided Jacob Howard Brown. For a girl.. Everyone wants us to name it something different. I really like the name Abani May Brown and Jeff agrees. However, nothing is set in stone since they're is so much contraversy on what she should be named.

At first I wanted as girl. "I want a girl, it's gonna be a girl!" Everyone wants to to be a girl except Jeff. However, everyday now I'm leaning more towards a boy. Mom speaks very strongly on how shes going to raise the baby and it's going to be raised the way she wants and do the things she want it to do. She has even gone as far as saying it's going to be her child. Yes, Mom will be helping raise and support the baby and God only knows how greatful I am. I know it's going to be difficult to buy what the baby needs and pay bills making $7.80 an hour at Subway. But I feel like if it's a girl I'll give birth and Mom will take it from me. She doesn't want me to breast feed, which is the biggest thing I'm looking forward to besides giving birth. She calls it by the names she wants it to be named. I feel like I have no say in my own baby's life. Her Jessica (Jeff's oldest sister that just moved in) even went baby shopping behind Jeff and I's back for girl clothes. We don't even know the gender yet! This is all very overwhelming.

I'm terrified I won't be able to raise my own child...

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Sooo.... Mandy went on a ten day trip to Michigan to see her mother and bothers. (Long story, but her mother lost custody of her when she was a toddler and has been in the care of Jeffs mother for 10 years.)

Yesterday morning, mom made that wonderful trip to the airport very early in the morning to pick Mandy up. She sat around for a few hours... and Mandy never got on her flight. Mom and Steve (husband) called every number untill they reached a family member up north. They're response was "I don't know if she's going... she's sleeping right now.". After that conversation no one answered they're phones...

Come to find out she quit her job a over a week ago!! This was planned!!! She's not coming home! Ha ha ha! I honestly don't know whats worse.. The fact that she's not coming back, or the fact that nobody cares at all. Mandy causes several unnecssary problems and stress that no one needs to deal with. Not only that, she is extremely ungrateful. She left to live in a one bedroom cabin with several other family members that can barely afford to feed themselves. On the flip side, Mom bought her new clothes, a brand new bedroom set, and was going to buy her more new things when she got back from her trip. She lived a pretty damn good life with us, and she left it for nothing.

I asked mom what she would do if Mandy called crying a month from now begging to come home because there's no food to eat. Ha! Moms response was "Oh well! She chose that life!" Mandy may think she's got it better.. However, I honestly think she has no idea the extent of her choice will lead her no where. You May think "Aw! but she with her family now!" Her mother lost custody of ALL of her children for a reason. I'm going to laugh more when mom makes all those wonderful calls and Child Services put Mandy in foster care.

It was her choice..

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If only it were as simple as tapping those lovley red slippers to go home..

I have a feeling Jeff doesn't want me here. He just deals with me because I'm carrying his child. I can't even talk to him about a situation that aggravates me without him freaking out thinking I'm bitching that it's his fault. "I'm always the bad guy! Everythings my fault!" Umm.. Hello?! Nobody said that. Everytime someone talks to him about a situation that pisses them off he automaticly thinks they're blaming him. It's hard knowing I cant even talk to the guy I'm suppose to marry without him getting angry. He doesn't undersand..

Yes, my hormones do get the best of me occasionally. I apologize for my wicked behavior because I understand at times it is unacceptable. However, if he does something that upsets me and I get a little angry and say something, it's my fault and suddenly all I do is complain and bitch about everything.

Now, a great night with friends has been ruined because we had to drive KC around the world so he could get his fix. Instead of clubbing and having a good time, were sitting at home so KC can get high...

The feeling of defeat and depression has overcome me, and all I can think is "I want to go home.". If I tell Jeff how I feel and if he's putting on a front for the baby, I know he'll get mad.. start yelling at me.. and not talk to me all night.

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home...."

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So.. I spoke to Jeff about what his cousin, Mandy, had said [see last blog]. He told mom right after I told him, and Mandy was questioned instantly. Of course she denied ever saying such a thing at first. Eventually, she reluctanly came clean in a "I plead the 5th" kind of way.

"I didn't think it would hurt her feelings" was her defense.. HA! My response to that was a soft chuckle in disbelief and a few tears. I wanted to stand up and walk out the door. How heartless can you be to tell someone they're boyfriend, mother, and supposed friend thinks they're faking they're pregnancy like a sick joke. I wanted to say so many things to her.. However, I felt it would be best to keep my mouth shut.

Mom continued making her point, and come to find out Mandy and KC were the ones making these accuzations that I was faking my pregnancy.. WOW! For two individuals that have no car and will soon be relying on me as one of the limited way to get to work, you'd think they'd be nice. In addition. From the start of moving us here and having KC come along (since he has nothing else and no where to go anyway) it was planned that when we were financialy stable, the three of us would move out together.

Well now.. looky what we have here. Not only does Mom fill us in on all of the horrible things KC says about us behind our backs, he's attempted to convince the family I'm faking me pregnancy. Hm... Guess who's not going to have a ride to work?? Guess whos going to be homeless?? I can agree with the saying that you DO NOT bite the hand that feeds. Karma's a bitch.

Now, I am known to be a very nice and generous person. If you're hungry I will buy you something to eat, If you need help I will do what I can to see you get what you need. It is very hard for me to do something diliberately mean for no reason. For instance, shout something profound out the car window at people, or throwing things out the car window at people.. It's not the kind of person I am. However, if you do something just plan stupid and cruel like what KC and Mandy have done.. You're fucking with the wrong person.

I'm feeling a little evil now.. If you have crossed the line with me (which is very hard to do), I will show you no remorse. It's quite simple when it all comes down to it..

DO NOT FUCK WITH ME!

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Once again I have found writing to be my only trustworthy friend.

Jeff's younger cousin, who lives with the family, told me something that I cannot get out of my head. She is known to be a loudmouth, liar, and untrustworthy in her words. So why believe what she says? I'm not sure why I believe her.. It just hits me hard. It has driven my mind into a spiraling depression and I have begun to questioned my own sanity.

Jeff had made a joke about this crazy mental condition that women can develop if they truely believe in they're minds that they are pregnant. It is where the womens body begins to go through the symptoms of pregnanacy because of the racing mind of the woman. "Psyco pregnancy.. something" is what Jeff said, and mom did agree that there was such a condition. "Ha ha, whatever" Is my reply. 2 pregnancy tests cofirmed postive, and it was a shock to me.

"Mom, Jeff, and KC all think that your not pregnant and your faking it." These are the words Jeffs cousin uttered to me last night. Of course I began to rant on about how that couldn't possibly be true. I had every symptom known to man about pregnancy. I denied for the longest time because I am suppose to be infertal. And after my period was over 2 weeks late, I decided to take a pregnancy test. The first one wasn't good enough, and I had to take a second one to be absolutely positive, both came up pregnant.

So how could I be faking it? yes I did discuss with Jeff that I had a hunch that i could be pregnant before the test, but it couldn't be. Could the thoughts of possibly being pregnant tricked my body? And now that I've heard what the family supposedly thinks, I've begun to question my own sanity. What if this all is in my head? I have been eating a lot, but I've only gained 5 pounds. Mom think's I'm going on 5 months pregnant, I think I'm over 3 months possibly going on 4 soon. I havn't been to the doctor yet. When I get a car and get a job maybe I will be able to afford it. I know mom doesn't have the money to get me medical insurance and take me to the doctor. Escpecially if it's true she believes I'm faking it..

I don't know what to think. I couldn't sleep last night. All I could think about is "I'm crazy" I havn't eaten as much as I usually do. I think last night I convinced myself I'm not really pregnant. All because a lying and untrustworthy (soon to be) family member told me everyone thinks I'm faking it.

I'm insane...

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So.. I moved to N. Myrtle Beach S.C.. It's not as bad as I thought it would be... At first.

A couple weeks before our scheduled move, Something wasn't right. People always say a woman always know if somethings up with their body.. right? Being diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Disease late last year, I thought nothing of it. I'm infertal.. that's what the doctor said. Sure enough, just for giggles I tested myself 2 days before our planned move. 2 test comfirmed positive, I'm pregnant. Fear and happiness flooded my body, and I ran from the bathroom into my lovers arms to deliver the knews. We are both very excited, anxious, scared, nervous, hell like any couple would be. Basicly, we are eagerly expecting!

The move us their was a pain. My V.W. Beetle broke down back in late February, and will cost thousands of dollars to fix (stupid timing belt). However, Jeff's step-father came to pick us up in his new Escalade Truck... thing, and we started our adventure to S.C.. Jeff (my "hubby") K.C. (best friend of ours), and I all made it up here and settled in. Mom (Jeff's mom) has a cute little house in the very back of a huge neighborhood/Golf resort called Barefoot Landing. Jeff, K.C. and I were living in the house to his mother, step-father, and cousin temorarily untill we found stable jobs and a nice apartment. Things were going great!

About 2 days after we arrived the roads filled with smoke. There was a small brush fire somewhere far, far away and the wind had carried the smoke into town. We all laughed and joked about it all day long. However, another days goes by and the fire is getting stronger and larger every minute. Tuesday night it seems close.. We could see the beautiful shades of orange and pink and few miles away, and all we did was joke and take pictures. Later, we all settled into bed, and just in case mom called this fire hotline thing the county made for evacuations. The voice recording over the phone said "All evacuations have been lifted in N. Myrtle Beach area.". Hearing this she fell asleep soundly with the rest of us. At about 1:45am, the comfy air matteress Jeff and I were sleeping on was flipped over and mom screamed "GET UP!!! NOW". I look up at here and she said "The fire.." I, of course, laughed and asked for the time. I was instructed to take here to work at 5:30 the same morning. She told me to look our the back sliding glass door, so I did. And when I opened the door.... to my horror flames were shooting over 150 ft. into the air in the woods behind the house. The wooden fense that seperated us from a tiny dirt road and the woods was already on fire and speading into the yard.

Somehow my wallet ended up in my hand. I don't remember grabing it. I started screaming "Wheres my phone?!" like an idiot. A family friend that had beeing staying over grabbed me and started pushing me out of the living room screaming "Get out! Forget about it!". Mandy (cousin), and I could be heard screaming through the house and everyone was scrambling to get to the door. I was one of the first to get to the door.. and when I looked outside suddenly the house seemed much safer the out there. K.C. pushed me out the door into hell. Glowing red embers were raining out of the sky, and winds were 30mph with gusts of 45mph. The roar of the fire was enough to make your heart stop in fear. Neighbooring houses were catching fire around us and everyones yards were on fire. The smoke was so thick it was hard to breathe. I turned to look behind me and fireballs were shooting out of the flames from the wind and destroying everything in it's path. by the time K.C., Mandy, and I were outside the house had already caught fire. Everyone else was still inside. Mom's room was catching fire from the inside and she had to leave with nothing... there was no choice. The family friend had grabbed Mandy's kitten, and when we all got into the truck it dawned on us, the dog was still in the garage. Jeff dashed inside because the garage door had been broken and very hard to open. The living room was already on fire when he ran inside. He got the dog in the truck and mom drove out of the driveway. We had to leave Jeff's '92 cadillac because we couldn't find the keys. Falling debry was everywhere, still on fire, and mom had to stop to push some off the truck so it wouldn't catch fire. You couldn't see your hand infront of you from the smoke. By the grace of God mom could barely see the road and made it out.

We had no warning, and 5 people perished in the fire (which the county will not admit). The N. Myrtle Beach fire station is in the barefoot landing resort.. and they didn't even go to the back of the neighboorhood to make sure everyone got out or to try and stop the fire. They started knocking on the front neightboorhood doors warning people, and eventually made they're way half way through the neighborhood and stopped. By that time it was too late.

What does this mean?? LAW SIUTS OUT THE ASS!!! Horry (pr. Or-ee) county is beyond dead and buried at this point. The way they handled the fire and the situation was completely wrong. And they will pay for it. We all lost everything and have to start over new. Red cross was a pain in the ass because they just couldn't find the time to help us untill the very end. GRR..

However, mom and Steve have already found a beautiful home just outside of Myrtle Beach, and we are starting our lives over. When Jeff, K.C. and I get back on our feet, we will once again, try to move into our own apartment. My mom is sending some info so I can get health insurance so I can afford to see a doctor. I have not had an appointment since my pregnancy, and im not sure how far along I am or anything at all..

In the end, the family is getting stronger everyday. A KOA campground gave us a cabin to stay in for two weeks for free (thanks to grandma and grandpa) and today is our last day. Redcross hooked us up with a condo untill the house we will be moving into is ready. AND!!! an interior designer heard our story and is going to get her crew to completely interior design the house. It's gonna be like one of those T.V. shows you always wish you could be on but know it'll never happen. Camera crews and the ABC news will be there to see our reaction when we see the newly designed house for the first time. It's going to be amazing!

Through the horror I know God has been here with us, and I can agree that when he closes one door, he always opens another one. The family is growing stronger from the experience, and Mom says everyday "We're gonna make it through". And I know we are. I thank God everyday for waking mom up that night and getting us out of there. If it wasn't for Him and mom, I probably wouldn't be typing the right now.

Life is awsome, cherish every minute. And never forget.. God can give you the world in a second, or take it away from you just as fast.

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